The English Teacher

by Adam Acidophilus

A woman, recently graduated, applied for a job as an English teacher — was selected for interview, and invited in to meet the head teacher.

“Well I must say,” said the head teacher — who was also a woman — “You have an impressive array of qualifications. But I don’t quite understand the title of your first degree . . . ”

“Ah yes,” said the woman, “my first degree was in Heritage Studies. I explored and discussed the history of Cultural Appropriation — or ‘micro plunder’ as I prefer to term it.

“My thesis was a deconstruction of socio/cultural theft and pseudo-borrowing in both micro and macro contexts — applied post-specifically to rubber, tartan and literacy.”

“Interesting,” said the head teacher. “But you went on to do a master’s?”

“Yes, my master’s — ” the interviewee continued — “built on the frameworks I had set down in my first degree, but I re-applied them to assumptions and counter-assumptions as actuated in transgender and quasi transgender counter-cultures. I took issue with and discredited a number of widespread counter-narratives, including my own. My thesis was re-twittered as a best-liked pod-load.”

“Fascinating,” said the head teacher. “And the Phd?”

“Well my Phd or doctorate, and I do prefer to be called Doctor, was in Alternative Truth Studies — encompassing alternative truths, other truths, quantum and meta-truth, and of course the differently true or so called ‘untrue’ as a truth, in society.

“My principle research was a dissemblance of perceived offensiveness as gauged in persons claiming never to have been offended — as against the more typical contemporary person who encounters threshold-offensivity on a 37 minute cycle during waking hours.”

“Really?” said the head teacher.

“I presented my dissertation-equivalent in an ethnically neutral language-free format involving inoffensive non-word concept triggers of sound and light of my own devising.”

“That’s incredible,” said the head teacher.

“Doctor,” said the applicant.

“Doctor,” said the head teacher.

“Society,” said the doctor.

“Unfortunately,” said the head teacher, “we are looking for an English teacher. And if you’re going to teach the language, you’re going to have to learn to speak it first. Now piss off.”

Moral: Precisely.

© Adam Acidophilus 2018