The First-Time Voters

by Adam Acidophilus

Two first-time voters reached the age of majority and were deemed to be old enough to vote.

“And how shall we vote?” said the first first-time voter. “How shall we deploy this most precious of society’s gifts?”

“When I cast my vote — ” said the second first-time voter — “I shall cast it for a very worthy candidate. A wise candidate. A strong candidate. A candidate above corruption — who is strong as the plough horse, intrepid as the whale, yet thoughtful as something thoughtful — such as an owl, perhaps?”

“But what of his party?” said the first first-time voter. “Or her party, come to think of it. What of the organisation this candidate represents?”

“The party must be great,” said the second first-time voter. “Higher than a mountain, with the mind of an ancient forest. It must have a past like an oaken galley, and a future like a silvery spaceship — and a present which is relevant to the needs of today’s modern contemporary person such as myself.”

“But what of their policies?” said the first first-time voter. “Surely their policies must matter?”

“More than anything!” said the first. “Above all else, the policies must count! They must be mighty policies. Bright and gleaming! Optimistic policies! Policies which sparkle like stars and tinkle like summer rainfall, and flutter like butterflies and waver like wild flowers in a flowery sort of way, and chirrup like the sparrows in the dawn!

“Yet hard. Very hard. Harder than stone. Harder than the granite or the diamond. Rough. Tough. Unbreakable yet butterflyish policies which sing like the river and dance like pixies in the firmament.”

“But what if they are not actually like that?” said the first first-time voter. “What if the policies are less than perfect? What if the party is a bit rough around the edges? What if the candidate is compromised or restricted by the harsh realities of reality? What if progress is only accomplished a step at a time?”

“Never!” said the second first-time voter. “Never! Never! Never! I shall not sully my person by association with such tainted individuals!”

And so the second first-time voter didn’t use their vote, and the first first-time voter decided to agree with them. And the election was won, by a single vote, by a total fucking idiot, and a general — deliberate — lack of change ensued.

Moral: Lucky that couldn’t happen here.

© Adam Acidophilus 2015